i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
