last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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