Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
