i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
