Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
