your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
