my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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