please come you make the beer taste better
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
