There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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