Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
