Already got asked if we're dating
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
