She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
