you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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