How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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