I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
