Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
