sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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