I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
