our cab driver is having phone sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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