Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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