I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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