Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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