It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
