i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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