what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
