I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
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