either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
