somebody snuck up and got me drunk
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
