the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
