I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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