Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
