Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
