That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
