so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
