ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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