I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
