My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
