Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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