apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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