Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
