Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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