mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think a kid would responsible me up
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
