dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
