I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
