Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
