i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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