I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
