tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
