Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
