I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
