This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
