i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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