you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
