Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
