I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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